Why we're here.

A creative writing blog by Shawn M Klimek / Twitter: @shawnmklimek
(All rights reserved)

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Santa Claus is coming...and he’s pissed

Santa Claus is coming and he isn't feeling well.
Mrs. Claus has menopause and makes his life a hell.
Yesterday, he gave up smoking, and those just begin the list!
Suffice to say that, 'tis the season to be jolly"—but he's pissed!

Santa knows what you are thinking though your walls be made of lead.
He has super x-ray vision and he sees in infra-red.
By new miracles of science he can see inside your head:
Every dirty thought, transmitted by the elves beneath your bed.

Santa's on a fat-free diet and his shorts have too much starch;
He's been having nightmares lately, so he hasn't slept since March;
Rudolph learned his nose was cancerous, so he slit his reindeer wrists,
So, they've canceled his insurance and now Santa Claus is pissed!

Santa knows when you are sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake,
And he knows who you’ve been sleeping with, and knows what drugs you take,
And he keeps a list of Communists who say that he’s a fake;
His elves have infiltrated Keebler, so be good for goodness’ sake!

Santa Claus is coming on a sleigh that's built for speed!
All his reindeer shoot up steroids and snort cocaine with their feed.
There's no way you can outrun them; it’s pointless to resist.
Godzilla looks like Tinker Bell when Santa Claus is pissed.